What Are Toxic Friendships?
Allow me to illustrate a scenario: You and your friend are closer than ever. You create inside jokes and text each other until 5 am. However, the more time you spend with each other, the more emotionally drained you feel afterwards, and simply talking to them makes you more irritated than ever. If this seems all too relatable, you may be trapped inside a toxic friendship.
In her book Toxic Friendships, author Suzanne Degges-White describes toxic friendships as being “emotionally harmed or used by another, making the relationship more of a burden than support”. Unfortunately, despite how everyone recognizes this phenomenon as undesirable, it’s becoming increasingly frequent in society, particularly among Gen-Zs.
Why Are Toxic Friendships Normalised Among Gen-Zs?
TV Shows
Regardless of how binge-worthy these shows are, popular teen dramas like Pretty Little Liars, Gossip Girls, or Euphoria still romanticise toxic friendships, even if unresolved conflicts between the characters wind up alright. Consider the show Pretty Little Liars. Sure, the liars got closer than ever while figuring out the culprit, yet one can't overlook Alison DiLaurentis’s notorious acts of backstabbing and manipulation towards the other liars throughout the series. Likewise, the fragile friendship between Blair and Serena once again redefines the notion of true friendship. Evidently, without proper supervision, teenagers may be easily deceived by the glorification of problematic friendships, inevitably failing to recognize the toxicity within.
The Fear of Being Alone
Perhaps there are a variety of reasons behind maintaining a toxic friendship, but all of them stem from the bitter truth: we fear being alone. In a Medium article on ending long-standing friendships, Bhasker talks about the frequent occurrence of people rather “hanging on to the memory of a person” than dealing with the “reality of the person” out of a fear of loneliness, thus prolonging the toxic friendship instead of ending it immediately. As such, one may easily normalise these toxic friendships.
Furthermore, out of a fear of loneliness, some would strive to befriend practically everyone they see. As a result, these people would not be close friends with anyone in particular. While having many friends is wonderful, one should always be conscious of who is always there for you and who is only friends with you to reap the benefits of the friendship. In her album Folklore, Taylor Swift also notes in her second track Cardigan, “A friend to all is a friend to none.” True to its words, one should always be wary of whether their many friendships are merely built on utility, or whether they’re built on a mutual appreciation for what the other holds dear. If the former seems more applicable to you, then you may want to reconsider your friendships.
Red Flags Of Toxic Friendships
As clear-cut as the definition of toxic friendship appears to be, the signs in a toxic friendship are still rather subtle, hence here’s a guide to identifying signs that tell you you’re living in a toxic friendship:
Everything Is About Them & Never You
Look out for a friend who drones on and on about how bad/ amazing things are for them and expects you to feel sorry/excited for them. But when you begin to vent, all you get is a half-hearted “yeah” and proceeds to take over as the centre of attention.
They Always Compete With You For No Reason
Always be cautious of that friend who undermines your accomplishments whenever you share, or constantly strives to one-up you such that they’ll feel better about themselves. No one deserves to be felt inferior in a friendship.
You Can Never Trust/ Rely On Them With Anything
One of the great things about having a friend is knowing that you can trust them with anything. A toxic friend, on the other hand, may relish in utilizing the secrets you shared to backstab or guilt-trip you into doing things for them. You’ve tried to forgive, but they’re always giving you reasons to doubt.
You Walk On Eggshells Around Them All The Time
Knowing that you can't speak without being cautious, you start walking on eggshells all the time. A toxic friend will always try to manipulate you by playing the victim, excluding you on purpose to make you feel terrible for cancelling, and bringing up unnecessary arguments if you disagree with them.
What Can Gen-Zs Do About It?
While it’s understandable that one can’t just immediately break free from a toxic friendship due to a variety of reasons, there are still ways to gradually put an end to this misery once and for all.
Letting The Friendship Fade Away
As the saying goes, “actions speak louder than words”. Shouting at them or sending a strongly worded DM won’t help with the situation if they never listen to you. By distancing yourself from them, you’ll find yourself in a much happier place than where you are right now.
Reach Out To Make New Friends
Moving on from a toxic friendship may be hard, but this newfound freedom also opens up many new opportunities to make new friends and networks of support!
Yet, despite all the signs listed in this article, the lines between who’s toxic and who’s innocent in a toxic friendship remains obscured. To you, you’re the victim suffering under the toxicity of the friendship, while the other may argue otherwise. Nonetheless, it is possible that neither intended the friendship to become toxic; perhaps it was a result of growing up, having different interests, or even differing personalities that caused the fallout. Whatever the reason, accept that all these disputes are a part of life, thus the best decision right now would be to learn from your experiences, let go of the resentment, and grow to live a life with no regrets.
Sources
Writing: Charlotte Chow
Editing & Graphics: Kate Chan
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