“How am I back here?”, “Give me space”, “It’s almost over, I’ll give them another chance”, call it what you want. We understand the toxicity is still hurting you. Here’s the catch: when will YOU be able to move on from your toxic friendship?
As “valid” as your actions may sound, THIS IS NOT MOVING ON.
You just got out of a toxic friendship. You’re going broke in the name of “retail therapy”, lamenting about the toxicity of your friends, and posting pitch-black Instagram stories with secret rants inside. You feel like you’re doing better than ever. Little do you know, you’re still haunted by trails that the toxic friendship left behind. Sooner or later, you’ll find yourself in the psychological state of a nuclear holocaust.
This poses the question: How does one ever move on from a toxic friendship?
The 5 Stages of Moving On From A Toxic Friendship
To make your escape, you must understand the agonizing process of “mourning” from a toxic friendship. Modeled after psychiatrist Kübler Ross's “5 Stages of Grief” when a loved one passes, we present the 5 stages of grieving a Gen-Z friendship:
The 1st Stage: Denial
Denial – ignoring red flags in the friendship until it’s impossible to further escape from reality. In her book, The Mountain Is You, Brianna Wiest writes that the longer you try to “love yourself” by denying the truth, the longer you suffer. Therefore, sugarcoating your feelings does nothing but prolong the pain. Alternatively, a sincere act of self-love would be to gradually come to terms with yourself about the toxicity of the friendship.
The 2nd Stage: Anger
No matter how hard you try, you'll inevitably find yourself condemning them for ruining the friendship. Consequently, you begin engaging in erratic behavior to express your rage, although knowing that it’ll ruin you as much as the toxic friendship did. Wanda Maximoff from the blockbuster film Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness is an excellent example of this stage. Emotionally scarred by the loss of her romantic partner Vision and her magical children, she went to extreme lengths to reclaim what she had lost, even using her grief to justify the murder of a 14-year-old girl. (Spoiler alert: it went downhill quickly)
The 3rd Stage: Drifting
Fully acknowledging that they’re not worth the hassle of saving the friendship, you begin to distance yourself from them. You stop texting them. You don’t hang out with them. Or even block them on social media. Yet, drifting is more challenging than you expect. One major reason would be the many constraints keeping us from drastically ending a friendship, such as school projects, tiny workplaces, and common friends who make it impossible to drift away from a toxic friendship.
The 4th Stage: Emptiness
Consider yourself trapped inside a box. It's pitch black, and you can’t scream because no one can hear you. There is nothing in the box: nothing for you to get mad at, nothing for you to be sad about, nothing for you to be grateful for. You feel helpless, lost, and alone. That is the fourth stage, my friend - emptiness.
“I wonder– if nobody is listening to my voice, am I making any sound at all?”
Alice Oseman, Radio Silence
In the 4th stage, you may feel emotionally paralyzed towards the friendship. You’ve moved on from being angry at the other person involved in the friendship, you’ve already distanced yourself and there’s nothing you can do. You scroll through the photo album you created for them on your phone, replaying every happy memory you shared with them in your head.
Yet, the emptiness makes you wonder – why does it seem like the world is moving on except for me? Perhaps there’s still a chance to rebuild the friendship? What would happen to the friendship if things had been different? Why is it so hard for me to let go but not them?
No medication in the world can help you conquer this stage, it’s just one that everyone has to go through in life. Eventually, you’ll find yourself putting your mind to other experiences, slowly reflecting on the pain as if it was a fever dream.
The 5th Stage: Self-Actualisation
Maslow’s theory of Self-Actualisation illustrates self-actualization as the “realization of one’s potential”. People at that stage tend to seek personal growth and peak experiences, exploring different parts of themselves and learning what brings them true happiness.
Similarly, the same can be applied to friendships. You might meet new friends at university, at work, or even at the coffee shop you visit every day. You’ll look back one day, and view the pain you experienced as an important milestone in the journey to reaching your full potential. No more denial, anger, or emptiness – simply happiness from finally becoming the best version of yourself. It may take weeks, months, years, or even decades, but you’ll get there. We promise.
Conclusion
Art is subjective. It can be beautiful, yet ugly to some. Likewise, the process of moving on can be viewed as an opportunity for a happier life or a traumatic experience that would haunt you for the rest of your life. Needless to say, how you perceive moving on is a choice you’ll have to make over time. As we embrace September with open arms, here’s a reminder to whoever’s reading this:
With the upcoming school year, we sincerely hope you learn to let go of all the thorns restraining you from blossoming into a better version of yourself. No matter what stage you’re in, you must bear in mind that seeing the problem within the friendship doesn’t make you any less loved; but these experiences make you smarter in building up a strong network of friends. Ultimately, know that you’ve made a sensible decision, and good things will come to you soon.
Written By : Charlotte Chow
Edited By: Kate Chan
Graphics By : Kate Chan
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